The wife and I went shopping a couple of weekends ago to the tune of holiday music even though it was a week until Thanksgiving. Most of the songs were the popular Christmas numbers that I’m not a big fan of, but they come hand-in-hand with the season. Then it happened. I was looking at merchandise and half-listening to Christmas music when “My Favorite Things” came on the air. It wasn’t even Julie Andrews’ voice! “That’s no Christmas song,” I thought, but I dismissed it. However, at different store, I heard a different version of “My Favorite Things” mixed in with the holiday tunes. It was another version that also wasn’t Julie Andrews.

What’s going on here? Are we so hard-up for Christmas music that we have to resort to popular show tunes to make up the gap? On the contrary, there are more holiday songs than can be listened to each year (especially given the low standard of songs being played in public these days). I don’t think it’s another symptom of trying to avoid religion during a religious holiday. We have scads of winter-themed songs that ignore all faiths. Why are we making room for The Sound of Music?

No, do not misunderstand me; I think “My Favorite Things” and The Sound of Music are both perfectly fine. I’m not a big fan, but neither do I hate them. It’s just that “My Favorite Things” has nothing to do with Christmas. I guess you could argue that “white copper kettles and warm woolen mittens” or “snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes” are wintery things. However, there are plenty of other lyrics that suggest other seasons. “Raindrops on roses?” That’s spring. We also have “Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple streudels.” One could eat apple streudel during Christmas, but it’s not inherently holiday-related; ponies are for all seasons. Combine all of that with the fact that Maria sings the number during a thunderstorm, and there’s no reason why we should make this a Christmas song.

So why are we making this musical error? I think it comes from conflating Christmas with The Sound of Music. As I recall, ABC airs the musical on Christmas Day quite often. Perhaps we’ve grown so used to hearing that song on Christmas that they have become linked. If this is the reason, why aren’t “Climb Every Mountain” and “So Long, Farewell” Christmas songs?

Clearly there is no logical reason to connect “My Favorite Things” with Christmas, and those who play holiday music over the airwaves and/or in stores should delete it from their playlists. They won’t, of course, and I guess it could be worse; at least they aren’t playing anything from Annie. But if we must pretend that ”My Favorite Things” is a Christmas carol, may I make one suggestion? Let’s play only the Julie Andrews version.

The other day I stumbled across a video of a speech about classical music that was given at TED. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, and Design, and it’s  an annual conference that presents a cavalcade of brilliant minds (oh, and Al Gore) to give a talk on something related to their fields. Since that first speech, I’ve come back to the website every now and again to listen to anything that sounds interesting. I was going to save these links for my next round of Stumble Upon Discoveries, but I think they deserve their own post. Obviously, you have 800 things to do today, and there are millions of other things on the web; however, I found these speeches entertaining, interesting, funny, and/or inspiring.

• Benjamin Zander–On Music and Passion (20:43). This is the first one I watched, and I loved it. Zander makes the case that everyone loves classical music, but they just don’t know it yet. He then proves his point by talking a little about music, telling some stories, and playing a Chopin piece that is achingly lovely. If you watch none of the others, watch this one.
• J. J. Abrams–Mystery Box (18:02). The producer of the best show on television (Lost, of course) discusses why he is so interested in mystery. I didn’t think the talk was that wonderful, but it did explain a lot about how Abrams approaches his work and why Lost is the way it is. I enjoyed it.
• Elizabeth Gilbert–Nurturing Creativity (19:29). Gilbert is the author of Eat, Pray, Love, which is a hugely popular memoir I have not read. In her talk, she addresses why we treat creative people as if they’re crazy and proposes a different way to look at creativity. I loved the notion of ideas coming from somewhere outside oneself. Definitely worth listening to.
• Evan Williams–Listening to Twitter Users (7:58). I love Twitter, so I listened to this one for that reason. Williams talks about how innovation is driven largely by individuals and how Twitter adapted to those who use it. This is a great one if you love technology.
• Brewster Kahle–Building a Free Digital Library (20:06). Kahle’s speech is about how our generation can “one-up the Greeks” by assembling the entireity of human knowledge in a free digital library. I thought of Jason the entire time I listened to this one! Kahle makes a persuasive argument. My favorite part of the idea is that if we have all books in e-form, we can print them cheaply and easily. People who want e-books get them; I get cheaper print books. Everybody wins.
• Dan Gilbert–Our Mistaken Expectations (33:38). This talk gets long for me, and it goes over my head at times because there’s a lot of stats and numbers here. However, Gilbert makes a lot of great points about how our decision making is flawed. The part about the lottery is brilliant.
• A. J. Jacobs–Year of Living Biblically (17:40). Jacobs is a quirky, nerdy guy who experiments with his life and writes about the outcomes. In this talk, he discusses how he lived one year attempting to follow every biblical law and rule in the Old and New Testament. The talk itself is fun and interesting as many of the customs of ancient Israel don’t exactly mesh with 21st Century America. The best part, though, was that Jacob (an agnostic, I believe) is not condescending about the Bible. He learns some valuabe things from this experiment. I wish someone would have told him about the New Covenant, however.
• Liz Coleman–Reinventing Liberal Arts Education (18:38). I am overjoyed to find somewhat of a kindred spirit in Coleman regarding the ongoing failures of the education establishment. Coleman reclaims the liberal arts for what they were always meant to be: a means of creating informed, passionate, and whole human beings via a university education. There are sporadic moments when Coleman ticks me off, e.g. people who disbelieve evolution are ignorant and her all-too-common and annoying notion that Pres. Obama is some kind of Aruthurian figure—please. However, her main ideas I think are spot-on, and I loved it when she took that shot at postmodern deconstructionism. Too true!

There are many, many more where these came from. When I’m bored or putting away laundry, I’ll probably seek out more of these talks. As you should expect, there is definitely a left-wing slant at TED, and Darwinism is everywhere. If that’s what you like, you’re set. If not, there are still plenty of worthy speeches to be found here. Hope you enjoy as much as I have!

A month ago or so, someone at my job left one of those trashy celebrity magazines open to a crossword puzzle half completed. A coworker and I finished it up, and I enjoyed it very much. Since then, I’ve been doing more and more crossword puzzles in my spare time. They’re an excellent combination of clue guessing and vocabulary knowledge/expansion!

My best source for crosswords is the New York Times Digest (thanks, Kyle!). Their puzzles are legendary for good reason. I’ve attempted maybe five and solved but two. The Friday puzzle I attempted was a joke! I was way out of my league. However, I do have a Monday and a Tuesday puzzle under my belt. I do a lot of crosswords online also. Boatload Puzzles has 4000 free ones, and I’ve been through a number of those (they’re easy).  USA Today is kind enough to upload their crossword puzzles to the web for free, and I like those a bit more. You can choose to have your errors revealed to you or have them hidden if you want to fumble through. There are several other sites out there as well.

There are lots of interesting little facets of crossword puzzles that I enjoy. Many of the clues turn out to be puns or little jokes once you solve them. That’s always fun. There are also times when my literary knowledge comes in handy, which makes me happy. I also like that I learn a lot of new words (apse and setto come to mind), so the more I do crosswords, the more I’m prepared for the next one. It’s also interesting how often one sees certain words. I’ve put IRS into several puzzles.

Crosswords have also brought the pencil back into my life from its long absence. I much prefer pens, but I make too many mistakes to use one while solving puzzles. I suppose I could alter my method of guessing and erasing later, but I like it that way.

One tiny complaint I have is that some of the clues can be pretty shady. I appreciate clues that highlight different meanings of a given word, but sometimes the clues aren’t even synonyms of the answer or are far too vague. In Tuesday’s NYT puzzle, for example, the clue for 12 down was “A mushroom producer, for short.” Correct answer: “A test.” No, not “a test,” but “A test” as in atomic test. That’s sketchy. I also wish I knew more French, as a random mot or deux frequently appear.

Still, the pros of this new hobby far outweigh the cons. I intend to buy a crossword puzzle book soon so I can have crosswords with me on the go. Hope you enjoy the links I provided above if you’re so inclined. And, no, I do not intend to start doing Sudoku puzzles. I realize no math is involved, but I much prefer words to numbers.

There is a lot of music out there, and I think it’s a fair bet that most of it isn’t happy. Our pessimistic, sarcastic era is especially skeptical of happiness and contentment. I’d wager the ratio of break up song to love songs is somewhere in the neighborhood of three-to-one. Anyway, in this vale of tears there are a few ditties that cannot help but make one happy. I’ve listed my top three below. Which do you think deserves the title of Happiest Song in the World? Of course, write-in candidates are welcome also.

Contestant #1: “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves. This is a soft-rock radio station staple that I’ve heard countless times over the years.

• Pros: That lady wondered if her guy actually loved her, but now she’s sure. She’s super happy about it! In fact, she’s so happy that she’s developed a supernatural ability to ambulate on top of waves of light! Now that’s happy. Let’s not overlook the fast-paced tempo of this number and the bright intro with the brass instruments. Add to that all the all right nows and yeahs and whoos, and you’ve got yourself one happy song.
• Cons: This song is pretty annoying after one or two listens. There’s also a repetitive grammatical error of agreement (“and don’t it feel good!” Clearly we need “doesn’t” here). And, strangely, the music video was shot on a cloudy day in London. Um, that’s either ironic or stupid, and I don’t think this song is complicated enough to use irony. Of course, music videos don’t matter in the end, but I found it odd.

Contestant #2: “I Can See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash. Another soft-rock staple that’s bound to make you feel better no matter how crappy you feel.

• Pros: The cheeriness of this song comes from weather-related symbolism. Not only is the rain gone, he also can see clearly now that it is gone. He’s been in a fog; he’s been down. Here’s that rainbow he’s been praying for! It’s going to be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day! The tempo here is a little slower, but the instrumentation is adequately happy. For me, most of the optimism comes from the lyrics and Nash’s delivery. This is one uplifting number.
• Cons: Sure, he can see clearly, but there are still some obstacles in his way. I suppose one could turn this critique on its ear by saying this song is so powerfully optimistic that even though there are obstacles, everything will be okay. Wow, Johnny, you’re one happy dude.

Contestant #3: “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin. You know you love this one!

• Pros: McFerrin isn’t after subtlety here; rather, we have the repeated imperatives to cease our worrying and become cheerful. The joy from this one is its infectious melody and sing-along lyrics. You’ve got to be impressed that McFerrin is every instrument on this song—seriously. Indeed, when you worry about trouble is does make everything worse, so there is a good point here. McFerrin looks happy and awesome in his well-groomed beard and white suit. Plus, Robin Williams is in the very silly music video.
• Cons: Sure, it’ s a happy song, but we don’t have much reason to stop worrying. I don’t have any money, my landlord is about to evict me, and I’m just supposed to let it go? Sounds a little unrealistic to me. The only rationale for this forced happiness is that it may make others sad and the trouble will soon pass. I’ll grant the latter reason has some merit.

So which is the happiest? After listening to them all again, I think I’m going with Nash and “I Can See Clearly Now.” There’s nothing objectionable about it, and the song always gives me a mental image of a beautiful valley stretching out before me as the sun comes out. So, who you got? I’ll provide a poll for those who just want to vote, but it will be more fun if you make your case in the comments section.

Twenty percent of the votes cast in my recent poll were for more StumbleUpon Discoveries. So, back by something that resembles popular demand, here we go again with stuff to waste your time, entertain and/or inform.

• What is your new name? Mine is Tulefel Cootietush!
• Fun Music Graphs. Yeah, I know I already linked to the first one, but the others are worth the repetition.
• Art Movements. I don’t know that I’ll refer to this very often, but it sure looks useful.
• Abandoned Central Michigan Train Station. Photos of abandoned buildings fascinate me.
• Seven Deserted Wonders of the (Post)modern World. (See above comment)
• Funny cartoon. Self-explanatory.
• A lovely photograph.
• Improv Everywhere High-Five Escalator. I love these guys. Read the reactions from the people holding the signs; they’re great.
• NFL Team Name Origins. This is pretty interesting stuff. Tampa Bay Mafia? Houston Wildcatters? What could have been…
• Mascot Bloopers! I laugh so hard that I cry every time I watch this one! Watch it on mute, though, to avoid crappy music.
• Auditory Warnings. Interesting.
• Raptor Jesus. This rocks my face off.
• 9 Songs Butchered by MS Songsmith. It’s fun to hear how bad these sound out of context.
• Engrish. This website is just golden.
• “If My Nose [Were] Running Money…” Pretty funny song.
• How do you identify an American? A little cheesy perhaps, but more right than wrong and occasionally stirring. I like the part about women being free to show their beautiful faces. America is a place, though.
• Emergency Yodel Button. Just in case…
• Ten Most Puzzling Ancient Artifacts. We spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out the universe; I love the fact that there’s always more out there than we can explain.
• “La Chance.” This is an amazing video compilation of coincidences. Moral: do not stand near race tracks during a race!
• Amazing Mountain Photos. Can’t get enough of mountain views!
• Refuting Relativism. Extremely thorough, but relativists will persist in society anyway.
• Windows 98 Jam. Song using only sounds from that operating system.
• Top 15 Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines. #5 is the best.
• The Quest for the Rest. This is a problem-solving game. Click around and see if you can figure it out.
• “Most Beautiful Girl in the Room.” I promise you this is a legitimate Stumble, though I confess I put it in here to shamelessly plug my boys, Flight of the Conchords. This is genius. They’re coming to Red Rocks, but I can’t go!

All right, that should do for a while. I hope you enjoy these links as much as I enjoyed randomly coming across them!

I just figured out that WordPress offers a poll feature, which I think is pretty sweet. Since you have put up with whatever I have wanted to post here over the years, I thought perhaps I’d ask you what you wanted to see more of here. Multiple answers are allowed, and feel free to submit your own answers too.

Thanks for your feedback.

Yesterday marked the third anniversary of Ahab’s Quest. I’m honored and humbled that this puny blog has received over 36,000 hits to date. Sure, it’s not a lot for big websites, but it’s a lot to me. Thank you to all of you have stopped by my weblog and taken a peep, even if it was only a for a second. Special thanks to those who, for whatever reason, frequently read AQ. We strive to make the experience worth your while.

It’s funny to read some of my older posts. Some of my most haphazard posts are the most popular, while many of the pieces that I spent a lot of time on go unread. Regardless, I’m glad to provide reading material that some of you enjoy. Some of my views have changed a lot over the years; some are pretty much the same. Thanks for your thoughts, comments, and time over the years.

I have some plans for improving this blog along with the usual number of ideas for posts that may or may not make it to you, dear reader. It’s been great to have AQ as a creative outlet and a place to air my ideas and prattle on about things I like and dislike. I’ve come a long way from who I was in February 2006, and I’ve got an even longer way to go. Look for a few changes coming up soon, and, as always, thanks for sticking with me.

I present to you, dear reader, what I think is the best of what’s on television. I hope you find my list useful because crappy TV is ubiquitous.  All times listed are Mountain Standard Time because I live in Colorado and no one ever lists things in MST.

10. 30 Rock. Thu, 8:30 pm, NBC. I watched this because it’s on right after The Office. I don’t yet love the show, but it consistently makes me laugh. Tina Fey is a talented writer, and I love Alec Baldwin as her boss.

9. Jeopardy!. M-F, 6 pm, ABC (where we live). The best game show of all time is always mentally stimulating and interesting. When I don’t know the correct responses (which is often), I learn a lot. What else do you need?

8. Project Runway. Wed, 8 pm, (currently out of season) Bravo. I hate reality television as a rule, but I make the exception for Runway. Yes, it’s a show about fashion. Yes, most of its contestants are jerks. It’s likable, however, because unlike most all other reality shows, the participants need talent to win. A lot of talent. “Make me a fashionable dress by midnight using car parts” talent. I disagree with the judges half the time, but it’s a fun ride and a creative show.

7. The Colbert Report. M-F, 10:30 pm, Comedy Central. Colbert is The Daily Show’s smarter, more enjoyable fraternal twin. While I tire of Jon Stewart’s incredulous whining, Colbert is ever-hilarious. I love his stuck-up shtick (especially when he takes the applause for every guest), and his interviews are always awesome. This is especially the case when the interviewee doesn’t realize how goofy Colbert is. Of all the fake news shows, this is the best, and it’s almost invariably better than anything on CNN.

6. Masterpiece. Sun, 9 pm, PBS. What better way to kick off your week than with high-quality productions of the best stories ever told? Masterpiece almost always lives up to its name, especially when it’s Masterpiece Classic or Masterpiece Mystery!. The contemporary third of the programming year isn’t as good. They just finished airing a two-part production of Wuthering Heights, and it was impressive. J and I also first found the Miss Marple series through this program. There needs to be more of this kind of TV.

5. The Soup. Fri, 8 pm, E!. Bad television DEMANDS to be mocked. Thankfully, Joel McHale and the folks at The Soup agree with me. This show compiles a half hour of the dumbest garbage on television and relentlessly makes fun of it with hilarious results. Every week is different. The show can be crass (using reality TV clips? Really?), but it’s well worth it. One wishes the show were a full hour.

4. Flight of the Conchords. HBO. I don’t know what time this show airs because I don’t get HBO, but if you do, you need to watch this show! The musical misadventures of New Zealanders Bret and Jermaine are off-the-wall and full of laughs. The deadpan dialogue dovetails neatly with the absurd content of the show. And the songs–the songs! I have the first season on DVD and can’t wait to see more. Brilliant!

3. Pardon the Interruption. M-F, 3:30pm, ESPN. The four-letter network is brimming with poor programming these days as it has consistently altered its content away from substance and systematically fired or lost its talent. It saddens me to say this, but it’s true, that PTI is the only show worth watching on ESPN anymore (live events excluded). PTI is excellent because Tony Kornheiser (Kyle’s boy) and Michael Wilbon (my boy) are everything sportscasters should be. They always have the right mixture of humor, substance, insight, analysis, and–thankfully–sanity. They don’t spend the entire show speculating about what may happen. They react to the news, and never over-react–a trait that sadly missing in all media these days. Love this show.

2. The Office. Thu, 8 pm, NBC. This is currently the best comedy on TV. The hi-jinks of Michael, Jim, Pam, Dwight, et al. were brought to my attention by my brother and Kyle; I finally listened and bought season one. I subsequently bought all the other seasons because it was so good! The character interactions are priceless, and the ridiculous situations are comic gold. Who couldn’t love the Jim/Pam saga? The show is at its best when Jim and Dwight are at odds. This season hasn’t been as good as others thus far, but The Office is still must-watch TV for me.

1. Lost. Wed, 8 pm, ABC. If you are not watching this show, you cannot conceive of the quality of programming you’re missing. This show is consistently moving, suspenseful, engaging and surprising. The characters are superbly crafted and acted. The plot keeps a staggering amount of plates spinning, yet the show never comes apart. The writing on this show is unmatched in current programming. This is season 5 of 6, so I suggest you jump on board while you can. It’s a great idea to catch up via DVD if possible, but don’t miss out. Wow.

If I’ve forgotten some of my favorite shows, I’ll add them later. Now, dear reader, what currently running shows am I missing out on? American Idol and everything on MTV is right out.

In case you haven’t been to Target recently and seen the display or rented a DVD and watched the preview/commercial, the Blu-ray* revolution is upon us. In the various ads for the new player that I’ve seen, I have been impressed with the improved sound and visual quality of Blu-ray movies vis-a-vis DVDs. That, of course, is the point. Blu-ray discs work with your High Definition TV to make for an amazing movie-watching experience. Additionally, they dont’ scratch as easily as DVDs, and they allow you to use the movie’s menu without stopping the film (a smart feature). So you see, I completely understand what’s so great about Blu-ray discs and players; however, I do not intend to purchase a player any time soon. Indeed, I will hold out until it is impossible to do otherwise. Why? Blu-ray is just another instance of planned obsolescence, which I hate.

What is planned obsolescence? It is when a company releases a new product that causes consumers to replace their “outdated” product that still works in order to have the new one. Planned obsolescence runs rampant in our culture. Think of fashion. Your jeans still fit and have no holes, but you buy new jeans because they’re in style. Jeans are a small issue, you say? Agreed. But what if companies decide to come out with a new product that replaces the product you have and makes it impossible to use your product anymore? Remember the transition from cassette tapes to CDs? You still had tapes, but the new player rendered them worthless. You had to buy your favorite music again. What about DVD replacing VHS? It wasn’t too long ago, was it? You already had movies–maybe lots of movies, but new movies weren’t being released in that format anymore. You had to buy a DVD player and replace all your old movies.

Why do companies issue new technologies that destroy the utility of their older products? You could argue it is because technology has advanced, and new products take advantage of this to ensure a more enjoyable experience. True, but the only reason companies are interested in advancing the technology is because they are making money. The movie industry makes plenty of income off of DVD sales, and now, with Blu-ray, they can improve the movie experience AND make more money. In case you don’t want to join the revolution, they phase out the old technology until you can buy it no longer. You are forced to pay more to do what you were already doing–in this case, watching movies.

If it were a simple matter of changing the format of the movies–buying Blu-ray discs instead of DVDs–it wouldn’t be so bad. I suppose I’d pay a bit more, but perhaps the improved format would offset the price increase. However, this isn’t the case. To watch Blu-ray discs, I have to buy a Blu-ray player (or a video game system that plays Blu-ray discs). If that weren’t enough, I have to buy an HD TV to fully enjoy the Blu-ray experience. HD TVs are not cheap. Once I have all that, I really ought to buy all my old movies in the new format; otherwise, I’m not enjoying them as much as I could.

In other words, I have two movie-watching options. Option 1: Buy a Blu-ray disc, a Blu-ray player, and an HD TV; take them home and install the latter two; discard my current TV and DVD player (old junk now); put the Blu-ray disc in the Blu-ray player; watch the movie (it’s high def!). Option 2: Buy a DVD; put it in my DVD player; watch the movie. Option 1 = hundreds of dollars (maybe $1000+); option 2 = around $20. Hmm, which should I choose?

The only disadvantage to option 2, the system I intend to use for as long as possible, is that it is a futile effort. In time, I will have to buy a Blu-ray player because all new movies will be released in Blu-ray format only. Maybe it will be in a year or two, but it won’t be too long. Then, I suppose I’ll find myself replacing my television as well. And after another ten or fifteen years (if that long), there will be a new, amazing movie experience that I have to be a part of, and suddenly all my Blu-ray purchases will be moot. I’ll spend more money to buy more crap I don’t need, and the other crap I didn’t need will find its way to the dump. Planned obsolescence.

So how can we fight this insidious system? Don’t buy the new stuff. I plan to stay with the DVD sytem I already use. I like watching movies, and I am impressed with the new HD technology to be sure; however, I don’t think my life will be markedly different or better if the movies I watch are in HD. Movies are a diversion only. I have plenty of other things to do to entertain myself besides watching moving pictures that make sounds. Reading War and Peace, for example, has given me dozens of hours of entertainment. Cost: $18.

I will give this much credit to the Blu-ray people: they have permitted reverse compatibility. If I buy a Blu-ray player, I can watch the DVDs I own already. Kudos to you all for that. However, I am not interested in paying more money for something I already have that still functions just fine. Keep your Blu-ray player, discs, and HD TV. Entertainment just isn’t worth that much to me.

*Would it have killed them to call them “Blue-ray” discs? What is added by eliminating the “e” in “blue” besides annoyance?

The other day at the bank where I work, I had an exceptionally rotten customer come through my drive-up. We usually have customers who make dumb mistakes such as forgetting to sign their checks, not sending in their IDs, or asking for things we cannot do (“Can I have a cashier’s check made through the drive-up?’). This woman, however, committed none of these usual mistakes.

Our transaction began with the usual greeting. She was depositing a check and getting cash back. She managed to send in two forms of ID and had everything signed, which is always a great start. I sent out her receipt and the $500 or so and gave her the traditional goodbye: “Is there anything else I can help you with today? Thanks, have a good day!” I sent out her tube (tube #3) and had already started on #4’s transaction when I go the dreaded “DING!” Every time a customer presses the “call” button, we enjoy an unexpected and shrill “DING!” to let us know they want to converse with/yell at us. I pushed the button on the intercom.

“Yes, ma’am. How can I help you?”

“I want the cash back in bills smaller than fifties, please.”

It would have been nice if she had mentioned that fact before I sent out her money, but as far as customer demands go, this wasn’t too bad.

“No problem,” said I. Since I had already begun the transaction for #4, I asked my cohort if he would send her twenties for me. He, too, was in the midst of helping a customer, but he said he would. He put the money in the envelope and sent it back out. I thought that was the end. Then…

“DING!” It was she again.

“Yes?” I said.

“I said I wanted bills smaller than fifties!” She slammed the tube into the slot and pushed “send” for the third time.

“What did you give her?” I asked my co-worker.

“Fifties and twenties.”

“Didn’t you hear what I said before?”

“I guess not.” I was not mad; these sorts of mix-ups happen daily. I quickly made the change again as soon as I had finished another person’s transaction.

By this point, the lady in #3 had been there for five minutes or so and had seen several people leave who had come after she did. She was angry. When she got the canister this time, she opened the lid, took the money, and slammed the canister back into its place without closing the lid. Our drive-up containers have lids that twist open in such a way that the lid sticks out if it’s not closed. Thus, #3’s canister fell out of its spot as soon as the lady’s angry hand had pounded it in. It rolled under her car.

I saw it roll under her car. I hesitated. Should I call her and tell her that the tube was underneath her sedan? Surely she already knew that, right? Before I could act, however, #3 put her car in drive and pulled forward. The canister was directly underneath her left-rear tire, and the car began to rise slowly into the air*. She put her car in reverse, and rolled back to her starting point.

By then, I was thoroughly amused. Customer driving mistakes are always a great source of joy for all of us stuck inside the bank all day. I had seen customers drive over cement dividers (at least once daily), scrape their vehicles against polls (several times), and almost nail each other while trying to leave**, but no one had ever attempted to drive over a canister before. My mirth didn’t last long.

“DING! DING! DING! DING!”

I had anticipated this and got on the mic: “Yes, ma’am.”

“DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!”

“I’m talking to you!” I said.

“THE TUBE IS UNDER MY CAR!”

As this certainly was the case, I said, “That’s correct.”

Then there was a pause. I didn’t know what to say. Sane people in this situation open their car door, take two steps, pick up the tube, put it back, and drive away. No way did this woman expect me to come outside, walk around the building, and move the canister a few inches so she could leave.  But she didn’t say anything.

Finally, I said, “Do you want me to come outside and get it out from under your car for you?”

“YES!!“

Thus it was that I found myself walking through the double doors on a chilly January Monday to move a customer’s container a few inches on her behalf. Of course, I was irked. In my mind I went over a few things to say to her and rejected them in the name of good customer service. I had to say something, though.

I got to her car and picked up the tube: “You know, if you had just closed the lid, it wouldn’t have fallen out like that.”

“Is your name Nathan?” she asked me. I assured her it was. She peeled away.

By asking for my name (which was printed on her receipt anyway if she had bothered to look) I knew she wanted me to know that she was going to complain to my superior. She was unaware that irate and unstable customers whining about employees aren’t often taken seriously. I take care of my customers, and my bosses know that. I was not worried.

A couple of hours later, I the phone rang. “This is Nathan; how may I help you?”

[Click]

*Canister #3 survived intact and unscratched. I have a new-found respect for the construction of our drive-up tubes.

**Sometimes I send out tubes 2, 3, and 4 at the same time, and we guess who will win. I always hope they’ll pull out simultaneously and have the battle of polite waving hands: “You go ahead.” “No, you.”