Posted by: Nathan | December 14, 2008

Fantasy Football Press Conference

[We now go live to Charybdis’ post season press conference where Coach Nathan is just taking the podium…]

Coach Nathan: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the press. Before we begin the question and answer session of this press conference, I would like to make a statement about the season. It was a rough year for the Charybdis, but it was not without highlights. We knocked off my brother’s team, Killer Death Squad, early in the season. Oh, and we won two games in a row, beating a couple of quality opponents. Of course, going 4-10 for the second straight year is unacceptable. We also struggled mightily with our personnel. We couldn’t secure a quality quarterback at any point this season, and some of our guys underperformed. We have big plans for next year to ensure we have a better season, and if those don’t pan out we’ll blame President-elect Obama. I guess that’s all. Questions?”

[Shouts of “Coach! Coach! Over here”]

N: “You, sir.”

“Coach, Willy Ponyboy, Denver Post. You went 4-10 for the second consecutive year–”

N: “I just said that!”

WP: “Right. In the Denver area, we have high expectations for our football teams. How could you bring such shame upon us?”

N: “It was pretty easy. Basically, we have a bunch of crappy players who don’t perform well. Initially, I tried to get better players, but when that didn’t work I gave up on the season. Next question. You there.”

“Coach, Windy Coldweather, Star Tribune. Could you elaborate on your quarterback situation a bit more because you never had anyone close to decent at that position. That hurt you a lot in comparison with the rest of the league. I mean it was pathetic!”

N: “You suck, Windy, but you’re right. We struggled mightily with our guys who play under center. We drafted Derek Anderson, for Pete’s sake! After a few losses, we picked up Jason Campbell and Chad Pennington and have been platooning those two do-nothings for the bulk of the year. When you get excited for a fifteen-point performance from your QB, I mean, that’s just sad.”

SC: “One more follow-up question–”

N: “No, I don’t like you. Someone else.”

“Coach, this is Shelly Beach, Miami Herald. You’ve come under fire for your decision to use a collective noun as your team’s nickname, a phenomenon you’re on the record as opposing. Could you explain your rationale?”

N: “I’m glad you asked that question. I do, indeed, oppose the collective noun team name nuisance. ‘The Heat wins?!’ How stupid does that sound? But we decided to go with the Charybdis as our moniker because we like the allusion to Greek mythology. To be clear, you all should keep the verb in the plural, i.e. ‘The Charybdis lose again,’ NOT ‘The Charbydis loses again.'”

SB: “Have you noticed the ironic parallel between your team’s nickname and the downward spiral your team experienced this year?”

N: “Yes, darn you. We were supposed to bring down our opponents, not ourselves. (sigh) Next question.”

“Coach, this is Bob Cooltown, Cedar Rapids Gazette. Your organization has gone 8-20 these last two seasons–”

N: “Argh! Stop bringing that up!”

BC: “Sorry. Anyway, two seasons ago you were 12-2 as the Front Rangers and lost the Super Bowl to your arch-rival brother. Last year your team was so bad you changed your team name to the ‘Doormat’ midway through the season. Ever thought about going back to the Front Rangers team name and handsome color scheme?”

N: “Y’know, Bob, I think you might be onto something there. We’ll see. If I can’t think of an even cooler name, you’ll all be reporting on the Front Rangers again come next August.”

“Coach, this is Phil Eastcoastbias from the New York Times. Do you struggle with your day-to-day existence because you live nowhere close to New York? I just don’t see how you flyover country hicks have the motivation to get up in the morning.”

N: “That’s it. This east coast hubris as gone unchecked too long! No more questions until all reporters from the Atlantic Seaboard are removed from the room!” [scraping of chairs and angry grumbling ensue as the east coast reporters file out] “Get out of here, you jerks. Okay, let’s move on.”

“Cliff Climber, Rocky Mountain News. Would you like to blame anyone or anything else for your poor season?”

N: “Finally, a good question. Yes, I would. First, I’d like to blame Smash Mouth Football Commissioner Nate who won’t reinstate the manual draft. I’ve had only one good season, and that was when I hand-picked my players. Second, I have to blame my players for underperforming, especially Jospeh Addai. Also, our team played the whole year with the sun in our eyes and terrible refereeing. Finally–and I’m not suggesting anything, mind you–I think all the teams we lost to are secretly videotaping our play-calling, and I’ve heard that my brother’s Killer Death Sqaud is taking steroids eight times per day. Not that I’m saying they are, but have you seen pictures from their rookie years? Something’s not right. I have time for one last question; I have to move the laundry. You there.”

“Thanks, Coach. Ernest Praise from the Greater Denver Area Metro Star Post Dispatch Daily Times News Tribune Gazette Journal. I think you’re still a great guy despite the last two years, and your thesis is the best piece of writing I’ve read.”

N: “Thank you. Really, that’s too much.”

EP: “No, I’m serious! Anyway, what do you think your chances are in the consolation bracket of the post season, and do you have plans for next year?”

N: “Our chances of winning are somewhere between ‘slim’ and ‘I don’t care anymore.’ As for next year’s plans, I have only one word for you: ‘DOMINATION’! Thanks very much. Good night.”

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Responses

  1. Fantastic! I particularly enjoyed the reporters’ names, although not all people from the Eastern seaboard are bad. I’m also impressed by the literary and grammatical astuteness of the Miami reporter. Well done.

  2. Hilarious! That was awesome… I loved how you blamed your season on the players. Now if only real coaches did that, press conferences would be more interesting.

  3. This was great. I think that some of your best comments come out when you are bitter (see: freshman year of football)…

    It looks like a similar fate to your Aurora Front Rangers is in store for the KDS…a dominating season followed by a loss in the playoffs. I’m sure you’re excited about that. However, I refuse to give up hope because Brian Westbrook has the potential to put up the points I need (44 in each of the past two weeks), but we’ll see…

    I, too, vote for the manual draft! Far more fun, and ownership has much more control…although, it would be less easy to blame the draft for any of our team’s problems thereafter.

  4. Oh…this is classic Nathan. I can hear your voice saying it as I read. No one is better at bitterness than you! Love it.


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