Posted by: Nathan | February 10, 2010

Fantasy Football Press Conference 2009-10

[Reporters mill about finding their chairs in the big conference room. A door to the right of the stage opens suddenly, and Coach Nathan emerges covered in champagne while Queen’s “We Are the Champions” plays in the background.]

Coach Nathan: “No, seriously, Miles! That’s enough champagne!”

Miles Austin: “You deserve it, Coach!”

N: “Go back to the celebration. I’ll be there right after I finish this stupid… [turns to face the press] um, hello everyone! [Back to Austin] I’ll see you in a while.”

[Coach Nathan mounts the stage and settles behind the row of microphones wearing a turquoise “Westies: We’re #5!” cap.]

N: “Well, it’s time for the annual summary statement of how the year went. As you already know, we ended on a high note! A lot of people left us for dead after we finished the regular season 5-8 … a lot of you people. Well, look at us now on our lofty championship perch! I can barely see you all down there.”

[shouts of: “You didn’t win the championship!” are heard.]

N: “Calm down! All right, so we didn’t win the whole thing. Nor did we finish second.”

[Someone shouts, “Or third!” Another: “Or fourth!”]

N: “Shut up! We may not have finished in the top four, but we dominated the meaningless Consolation Ladder bracket. What could possibly top that? …besides the obvious, I mean. In any case, it was a year of ups and downs. Since I’m a coach and none of you expects me to give you anything besides hackneyed sports clichés, here we go. Our boys really hung in there and left it all on the field. We played for pride and gave it our best shot, not overlooking the competition. Our guys played one game at a time, by George. It should go without saying that the games we lost were due to heinous cheating, and our victories were orchestrated by talent and brilliance. All right, you low lifes; what do you want to ask? You there.”

“Coach, Sally Saddle, Rocky Mountain News. Do you think your 5-8 record during the regular season is enough of an improvement on your pathetic 4-10 mark over the last two seasons to allow you to keep your job?”

N: “Um, I thought your paper went out of business.”

SS: “It did. I’m between jobs…”

N: “I see. In any case, management is very happy with my tremendous coaching job. We did win the coveted Consolation Ladder trophy, so they extended my contract indefinitely.”

SS: “What idiot is running your organization anyway?”

N: “Next question.”

“Phil Frostbite of the North Dakota Picayune. How brilliant were you to pick up Miles Austin in the middle of the year? That was some move!”

N: “You’re right, Phil. It was. That’s just the kind of eye for talent that we top coaches have.”

PF: “The word around the league is that you got lucky.”

N: “You need to check your sources. Moving on.”

“Coach, Katie Couric–CBS News. Why are you holding your press conference this long after the season? I mean, who cares anymore, right?”

N: “Wrong, Katie. The better question is, if my fantasy league is so irrelevant, what are you doing here?”

KC: “Well, with twenty-four cable news, we have to fill the time…”

N: “Next.”

Hey, Coach. Ted Rubbittin, New Orleans Blues News. How ’bout them Saints? Who dat!”

N: “Next question.”

“Rita Little here of the San Francisco Chronicle. A lot of people are wondering if your lackluster coaching career is due to distractions. I mean, you hardly even pay attention to your lineup until game day!”

N: “Well, Rita, I do have other jobs, you know. And besides, what people are questioning my coaching ability?”

RL: “I never reveal my sources.”

N: “Ah, I see. Of course what is happening here is the classic media tactic of asking an interviewee a question that an unnamed group of persons is supposedly saying. In actuality, you are questioning my professionalism, aren’t you? Just say it.”

RL: “YOU’RE NOT PROFESSIONAL!”

N: “There, that felt good, right? Now get out of here. Next question. You there.”

“Ernest Praise from the Greater Denver Area Metro Star Post Dispatch Daily Times News Tribune Gazette Journal.”

N: “About time you spoke up.”

EP: “You really overcame a lot of obstacles this season. You inspired millions with your game day decisions and careful, ingenious management.”

N: “Oh, go on.”

EP: “No, really. Have you considered making a feature-length motion picture about this last season? It would be incredible. If you get it out soon, you could ride the coattails of The Blind Side.”

N: “Hmm, I like where you’re going with this. A rag-tag group of overpaid professional football players comes together to perform below average for most of the year, and then suddenly, when it counts most, pulls together to win the championship!”

All: “You didn’t win the championship!”

N: “Shut up! I will definitely get back to you on that. Moving on. You, there.”

“Coach, this is Cliff Climber, Miami Herald.”

N: “Didn’t you used to work in Denver?”

CC: “Yes, but I moved.”

N: “I feel like you ruined the pun in your name by relocating. Did you think about that at all before you uprooted?”

CC: “A pun in my name? What are you talking about? Anyway, onto my question. Is there anyone you want to blame for your bad season?”

N: “Yes. Even though things ended well, we did have a rocky regular season. Terrell Owens was a big disappointment, though I confess I didn’t miss seeing his face on TV. Philip Rivers played well, I guess, but I wanted to see better numbers from him. And as for Ladanian Tomlinson, I mean, come on! That was pathetic. He’s definitely getting cut after the party tonight. Oh, and I want to blame the other teams in our league for cheating and throwing dirt in our eyes every game. That was low, you guys. All right, last question.”

Coach, Windy Coldweather of the Star Tribune. Do you have any plans for next season regarding your team name and performance?”

N: “Management and I are still meeting about what our team name will be in 2010, but I can tell you this: I have no idea what we’ll call ourselves. As for our larger goals, we aim to dominate and take home another championship!”

All: “You didn’t–”

N: “That’s it. We’re done here. I’m going back to the free food.”

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Responses

  1. Hilarious! At least your team showed some heart at the end…mine just packed it in and rolled over…just like the Patriots…

  2. Love it! I can’t believe I missed this post earlier…


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